“She’s got alotta things on her mind, she’s feeling stressed and left behind. Don’t know which way to turn, they watch her crash and watch her burn. When she talks they do not hear, inside of her she hides all her fears, she wants to be somebody new.. yet she doesn’t, she doesn’t know who.. She’s the one you’ll never know, she’s the side of me that i do not show, she’s the one you’ll never see, she’s the secret side of me..”
Now i wrote this when was in grade 6 believe it or not, yes a 12 year old is capable of some forms of creative writing. I used to love writing, i still do, just never know what to write, which brings me to this blog, a way of my self expression. So i share with you today, this.. song… poem.. when i was younger i felt it should be part of a song. Now, it’s more like how i felt with some rhyming words. Hey, i was 12.
Every now and then i get the last few lines stuck in my head, i guess i sort of had a tune with it, because it remains with me to this day still, perfectly. I had a troubled childhood, mostly dealing with depression at a young age, i felt, at that age, i wasn’t myself. For some reason, i felt i wasn’t who i was supposed to be, this was after i had a falling out with my 4 best friends, and when your that age, your friend’s mean everything to you. So let’s just say i was depressed and alone at school, and i got picked on because of it. Nothing a 12 year old should have to deal with. So the whole phase lasted about a year, it then dragged on into grade 7. My friends and i seemed fine, happy as ever, until i started getting into that same depressed feeling again. When i say “when she talks they do not hear, inside of her she hides all her fears,” it means my friends and even family, and i still have this issue to this day as well, that no one listens when i speak, i’m always the one saying “I told you so.” And because of my grade 6 traumatic experience, i hid my fears inside, i was afraid to speak to anyone because of the ridicule i would receive. The “watch her crash and watch her burn,” has to do with my depression itself, during so, my friends “apparently” were upset for me, and wanted to help, yet they showed nothing for it. Which made me feel worse then ever. I have always been on the shy side, so when i say “she wants to be somebody new, yet she doesn’t, she doesn’t know who,” i mean that literally, there was a side of me that i felt only i knew that side, maybe my family did too, but not my friends, and not anyone at school or anywhere in public knew who i really was. I wanted to prove to people i wasn’t that shy girl, that i could be talkative, that i wasn’t an awkward person..
Looking back at myself, and comparing me then to me now, i’d say not too terrible much as changed. I still am shy, but in a more mature way about it, i can get depressed fairly easily, but i’m more mature about it. The only thing new about it, is i finally feel like i’m who i really should be. I feel myself, and never have i felt myself before. Maybe it’s a part of growing up, the boyfriend, the living on your own. All those play a part in how i am.
I believe everything drastically different about my life, brings out a new side of Sam. My boyfriend, brings out the more laid back me, i’m so used to rushing, he is not, he slows me down, having that responsibility of owning your own house, and the bills and groceries, are tough yes, but well worth the life i have.
I have no real reason for writing this other then to help deal with my past issues. I know when you deal with a past issue that effects your lifestyle today, deal with it, no matter how ugly it may be, coming to terms with something you’re so used to blocking out may be the best thing for your mind. As a person with high anxiety, and a natural case of the blues, dealing with my past has made me that much happier, and that much thankful for what i have today. And when today becomes my past, i can look back to this period in my life as a huge stepping stone, a complete 360, a transition stage, and i am enjoying every minute of it, even the bad.